just friends?
- Author: Jamie
- Filed under: random things, relationships
Feb 5,2008
I was listening to the radio this morning and Drex broached the topic — can people in relationships have friends of the opposite sex? Now this has nothing to do with my own relationship, I just thought it would be interesting to see what everyone had to say. Can girls have a best guy friend when they are in a relationship and vice versa? Is it a trust issue? Is it just jealousy? Should someone have to give up their best friend because they are now in a serious relationship? Would you give up your best friend for your relationship if your partner was uncomfortable with it?
Thoughts?
P.S. Virginia and I are awesome. Those Chester French boys gave us a shout out on both their myspace and facebook blogs. This is even more of a reason you should go check them out if you haven’t. They are obviously very cool, down to earth dudes.
P.P.S. I see a lot of designs by Cuppycake Designs popping up! They are all looking quite fabulous. Go get one of your own!
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41 Responses for "just friends?"
I’d be lying if I said it wouldn’t make me uncomfortable if my guy had a best friend who was a girl. Is it possible? Of course. Am I wrong that I wouldn’t like it? Probably.
Coming to you by way of d-blogged… I always had very close guy friends. I don’t think the friendship has to go away just because one of you is in a relationship. However, I do think in most cases, the relationship does change. But, I think that’s true with any friend - it doesn’t matter if the friend is the same sex as you or not. People behave differently and have different priorities and different time constraints when they’re single versus “married.” Compared to before I was engaged, I see most of my friends less. But, don’t let that confuse you with them being any less of a friend!
Wow, this is a sticky subject. I think you can have friends of the opposite sex, but they won’t be your *best* friends. Your best friend will be your SO. I think its natural to be jealous of a close opposite sex friendship because your SO is having some of their needs (emotional ones) met by someone else.
I once had a conversation with a guy about this though, and he talked like opposite sex friendships are never truly platonic, that one party or the other has ulterior motives but they don’t have them at the same time, so the relationship just stays in the friend zone. So, do guys ever have girls that they are truly just friends with, that they never wanted to hook up with?
I have two best guy friends I do things with and it’s not a problem - but, I think alot of that has to do with the fact that I’m a lesbian and their wives arn’t threatened by me.
it’d definitely possible…chalise and i are an example. that being said, it’s something that takes effort and awareness, both for yourself and for the people around you. new romantic interests can’t be expected to just understand…you have to help them understand. and i think it’s something that tends to result after both of you or one of you has gone through the process of realizing the possibility of ‘more than friends’ is not only absent, but acceptable. preferred, even. you have to pick friendship.
I say guys and girls can still be friends and only friends if they are both in relationships. That way the significant others aren’t threatened by the other. It’s hard to be in a relationship and think that your partner would have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex that is closer then the relationship you have with them. After all shouldn’t your partner be your best friend too?
This conversation reminds me of the movie When Harry Met Sally. They have nice little exchange about it during the movie:
Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I’m saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don’t.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don’t.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I’m saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail ‘em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don’t want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn’t matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we’re not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.
Sally Albright: That’s too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.
Sure it’s possible… but I have severe jealousy issues (thanks, dad) so in my relationship, it doesn’t quite work that way. The Beau has lots of lady friends, but he’s closest to the guys. I have one very close guy friend that I’ve had since junior high, but we double date and stuff so he’s not a seen as a threat (nor should he be… NOT my type).
And whoever said your SO is your best friend: Damn right.
I think it totally depends on the relationship. I have a lot of guy friends and Torsten has several female friends as well. It doesn’t bother either of us at all. Maybe part of that is that both of us have been very open about including the other in outings with friends and whatnot, so we know each other’s friends pretty well. And we also see that all the interactions are purely platonic. Maybe that helps, but there’s no jealousy between us, at all.
That’s one of those weird gray areas. I think yes, you can totally be friends with the opposite sex b/c we know we’d never do anything with that friend. Our significant others? Don’t have such confidence.
i am one of your statistics. i have 2 guy best friends (in fact im moving in with one of them soon). and NO i would NOT give them up for a relationship. the guy im dating now is ok with that. so thats a plus. but me on the other hand i am a hypocrite. if someone i was dating was moving in with their bff of the opposite sex i would be a little weary of the situation. but then again i have trust issues. so this is a touchy subject for a lot of couples out there.
No.
One of my best friends happens to be a guy and it’s one of the best relationships in my life. He’s the big brother I never had — he makes fun of me, kicks my butt in video games, renounces all my celebrity crushes as ‘gay’ (”Ron Livingston? Yeah, he loves the cock”) and looks after me exactly how you’d expect a big brother to look after his kid sister.
My fiance is fine with this because he realizes that our relationship is completely and boringly familial :)
I wouldn’t have a problem with B having a friend that’s a girl. I know he’s in love with me. And I doubt he would have a problem with me having a guy friend. It just so happens that neither of us have either. Which, I think is weird, since we’re pretty laid back like that.
hey, where’d the rest of my comment go? In my past the answer has been no, and it’s been a deal breaker for me. I’m not giving up close friends of mine because it makes someone else uncomfortable. If you love me, you love everyone in my life. However, I’ve sadly found that not all guys react the same way and have lost a couple of guy friends to their girlfriends, because the girl felt threatened.
What the girl fails to realize is if I wanted their man? I would already have them.
By the way? Love Chester French. They’re pretty great. Thanks!
I was going to leave this long ass comment and decided that I have way too much to say about this and will make it into a post. It’ll give me something to do at work.
But the short answer would be: it depends.
I’ll be sure to credit you for the inspiration in the post :)
OH MY GOSH!!!! That shout-out! That is crazy! Jamie, we are totally famous now. Well, YOU are totally famous because this is your awesome blog and you brought up the subject. But wow! If they come to Chicago, I’m going to come visit you and we can go to the show. And hopefully seduce them with our womanly wiles. And not tell our boyfriends, of course.
My best friend is a guy, and we’re both happily married - to other people.
I have to be completely honest, though. I’d be slightly jealous if my husband had a best friend that was female. At least I’m able to admit that, though, and I’m sure he already knows it.
But he’s completely cool with my best friend. Just solidifies the fact that I married an awesome guy :)
My hubby and I both have friends of the opposite sex…I wouldn’t say best friends but friends. Strangely I think 90% of my guy friends are gay and only one of his woman friends is…but it works for us.
I think it depends on the people and the vibe of the friendship. If there is a flirty nature to the friendship it might not work well while in a relationship.
I was totally going to mention “When Harry Met Sally” but Penelope totally beat me to it.
Yes, it’s definitely possible for guys and girls to be friends without one of them wanting to jump on the other. In college I met a kid who I grew to treat as my older brother (he’s a day older than I am). We’d hang out and whine about our relationships (or lackthereof) and bicker like crabby siblings. Because we were always together, people would ask us if we were dating, and we’d share an absolutely disgusted look and say “Ew no.”
ok i have way to much to say on the topic and may have to do a post of my own. but ultimately, no. i don’t think it can ever be just friends. maybe if both people were married and we’re talking about a LONG term friendship. MAYBE. but i have several guy friends and ex boyfriends who admit to being friends with girls JUST IN CASE she dumps her boyfriend or changes her mind about her feelings for him, etc. the proof is in the pudding.
ok maybe that wasn’t a short answer after all. lol
Dude, that’s tough, because the strong independent woman in me want to say, “Sure, guys and girls can be best friends! I wouldn’t care!”
But I would be lying. I’d probably be really hurt if my husband had a female best friend that WASN’T me. I don’t know why. It’s not because I think he would cheat on me, or like her better, but I guess I feel like that bond is one that should be reserved for the two of us. Maybe it starts going into the realm of emotional cheating?
Is it possible? Yes. Likely to work out for most people? No.
Most of my friends are guys and I dated someone who hated that, because he thought all of my male friends wanted to sleep with me. He has female friends and I asked him if that meant he wants to sleep with them and he said no, because it was different. We’re not together anymore.
Personally, I think you can be friends and just friends at that. If the partner isn’t cool with friends of the same sex, then that’s insecurity issues on his/her side that they need to figure out.
Well I could write paragraphs about this subject, but I’ll just make it simple. Yes I think guys and girls can just be friends without anything else. Granted I know when I was the best friend of a taken guy, their gf’s were never very welcome to the idea. Maybe it’s just me and I’m just uber trusting or something. But then again, I’m not a great example because I ultimately did end up dating my best friend, haha.
Gah I don’t think that made any sense, I ramble. Hopefully you get the point. The end.
i don’t think this is a yes or no answer. i seriously think that it depends on the couple and on the friend. i have been around girls that say the guy is their best friend but it is all a cover for her true feelings of wanting the person.
it is SO tricky and i think a case by case situation.
very good topic!!!!!!!
Most of my friends are guys. For some reason, I tend not to get along with girls that well. Even if it’s not strictly friendship for them (I know some boys have ulterior motives, it is for me. My husband understands. At least I think he does. :)
I think so.
Most of my good freinds are guys and very few are gals. Out of my three best friends two are guys (neither gay,neither have i slept with) and one is my sister.
that being said, I once asked my friend Joey the same question you pose and he said yes, but he also said (and my boyfriend agrees) that guys that have friends that are girls have imagined haveing sex with them.
i said, really?
he said really.
apartently joey thought i would be hot in bed (duh, i had to ask, he left the door open)
Ah, the story of my life (recently). To make a long story short, one of my closest friends here at school is a guy. We did everything together — meals, TV time, movies, out to dinner, out to the bars — he was my shoulder to cry on when things were crappy with the (now ex) boyfriend. I could talk to him for HOURS about EVERYTHING — and here I was, chalking it up to be “just” a friendship. I thought wow, this is great, this guy and I have so much in common, and we just… click! Then, he got a girlfriend. She can’t stand me. Therefore, I no longer have rights to his friendship the way I used to — and, it sucks. Thing is, I don’t blame her at all — I’ve seen a lot of relationships either end or take a turn for the worse whenever there is a “best friend” of the opposite sex involved. Looking back on it, maybe we really shouldn’t have spent all that time together. It’s such a gray area. I wish I had all the answers, but damnit, I still don’t! I just know that if the situation were reversed, I’d be jealous, too. The only difference is that I would address it with my boyfriend (rather than approaching the girl best friend, which is what she did) and ask him one simple question, “Should I worry?” If the answer is no… it’s no… unless proven otherwise. The way I see it… If I’d wanted to be with my best friend, I would have broken up with my then-boyfriend and gone for it. But, I didn’t. The sticky part is… sometimes I wish I have.
So, maybe it’s safer to keep friends of the opposite sex at arm’s length?
Geez. I gotta stop being so long-winded!
Ah, crapola, I meant to write sometimes I wish I “had” instead of “have”. Tsk. Grammar.
Oh! And I forgot to add this.
Although I don’t agree with it, it’s pretty interesting:
http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html
so funny, i blogged about this exact topic today. well, actually…i just asked a ton of questions and gave no answers. my short answer is no. and i’ve had a hard time trusting my boyfriends “girl” friends in the past….maybe that is my own insecurities.
http://chickbug.blogspot.com/2008/02/boygirl-just-friends.html
Iam not sure! :S i have never been in the situation but i asume add feel uncomfortable and very jelous, but id exspect him to understand my other relationships with men, and id want him to trust me. Its about jelousy and trust. its hard. id say maybe not. depends how much time they spent together.
Hey there, I think that there’s no problem anymore with friendships between the sexes. It kind of had to be that way in my relationships, because I’ve had the same close friends since I’m a kid (all women) and it never became an issue since her closest friends were male. I think it lends a healthy perspective since my friends don’t hesitate to tell me if I was a jerk (when I am) or just tell it like it is when I ask about things. I think a new romantic relationship should expand your life, not contract it by kicking friends out of it.
I talk too much…
I say you can have close friends that are of the opposite sex. As long as there is trust in the relationship, and the friend doesnt do anything that would make you not trust them either, then its all good. :)
Despite my own crash & burn with my “best friend” on the male side, I definitely think it’s do-able. In our case, we both were in love with one another at the wrong times and couldn’t get past it and blah blah blah.
But I know a lot of people who do have bf’s that are opposite sexes and that’s all sortsa cool. In the end? It just comes down to the individual, if you ask me.
One of my best friends, who is married, has two other best friends, and one of them is a guy. But he’s gay. Does that count? :o)
I would have no problem if my boyfriend’s best friend was a girl (though he says I’m his best friend, but you know what I mean). I would just be glad he had friends to hang out with.
I might be one of the only ones that says this, but yes…it’s possible. Does possible equal easy? Hell no. All of my best friends are guys and straight up at the beginning of a relationship, when things are looking to enter seriousness territory, I tell the guy, “All my friends are guys. If you’re not going to be OK with that, get out now before anyone gets hurt.” Blunt, but necessary. It’s worked for me so far.
My best friend is a guy and we have been best friends since we were kids, I have always been afraid that his girlfriends dont like me, but I make sure I get to know the girl so she knows I am not a threat. Most of the g.f actually like the fact that I talk sense into my friends when he is being stupid or just being typical guy.
I never been in a situation where the guy has a best friend whos a girl, I am sure it would make me jealous.
I don’t see why it isn’t possible. My last boyfriend (the Jeffy) had best girlfriends. I was wary at first but after meeting them and hanging out with them and getting to know Jeff - it just worked out. I mean, I totally and completely trusted him with them and them with him.
But I’ve had the flip side too. My boyfriend before the Jeffy had a best-girlfriend and he cheated on me with her after I trusted him and her and blah, big mess.
Anyway, it’s situational is what I’m getting at.
While I think there are certainly messy situations that can happen, I think trust is a key part of a relationship, so I’m going to say yes. I have a lot of great, non-skeezy guy friends.
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