letter to my body | Oh! How Lovely! { jamieann dot net }

March 4, 2008 | BlogHer, body image

I decided to take part in BlogHer’s Letter to My Body initiative. This most definitely isn’t a cry for attention. Just honesty.

Dear Body,

We’ve been through some rough times, you and me. I don’t treat you as well as I should. I know this. It’s such a struggle for me to do what’s right when it comes to you. No one else really understands. They all just think it’s so simple. Unhappy with your body? Slave away in the gym, eat all the right things, do all the right exercises and everything will be perfect. You’ll get that beach body in no time!

It’s not that easy.

Five years ago, I ran you to the ground. I did hours on the elliptical. I didn’t eat as much as I should have. It showed. 20ish pounds down in a matter of months. Small thighs, bony chest, hipbones that could cut glass, but was I really even happy with that? My mother was scared. I was depressed. It was a really rough time.Then I met someone who loved me so much, who thought I was perfect no matter what. It was okay to eat now. To go out to restaurants again. To enjoy food. I got comfortable. Today I am still lucky enough to still be with that someone who makes me so happy and still says I am perfect.

But you, body, no longer make me comfortable. He tells me I am beautiful, but I don’t see that. The mirror and I are not friends. I’ve put back on that weight lost, plus much more. I dread going shopping, it almost always ends with me in near tears. Break downs in fitting rooms are my specialty, it seems. Shoes and bags? Those are my favorite. Why? It doesn’t matter how much you weigh, they will always look good.

You see, for the past few years it’s been a continual power struggle between us. There’s never a medium with me. It’s always one extreme or the other. This is why I am stuck where I am today. Eat eat eat or lose lose lose? I can fluctuate 10 pounds in 2 weeks. Lose it quick, eat and gain it all back, only to do it over 2 weeks later. It’s a never ending cycle.

I don’t find bones appealing, so that is not the look I am going for. I just want to be happy with you again.

So body, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all the shit I put you through. I’m sorry for depriving you. I’m sorry for overindulging you.

I’m working my way to finding that medium.

I hope I find it soon.

- J

46 Comments so far
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I can relate to this SO freaking much it’s not even funny. I was too big, then i was too small, then I was “just right” but not because of anything healthy.

It really IS a constant struggle. I’m fighting to lose the most recent bout of weight I gained and trying to find comfort in the fact that I am no where NEAR as big as I was at my biggest.

Fuck, I hate all this shit. My stomach is finally at a point where I can tell that the weight loss is occurring and immediately I want to turn back to old habits in which I don’t feed it enough. I eat. I always eat. It’s just a matter of how much I eat, you know?

And blah. BLAH!

Amen sister! As women it’s hard to ever find that comfortable place with our bodies. I hope you find yours.

{{{hugs}}}

I struggle with body image issues as well. I think that pretty much all women do as well. I used to be really tiny. Then I got way too tiny. Then I started eating again and put on thirty pounds. Then my family started calling me fat. I’ve been working on slowly losing weight and I’m finally at a place where I don’t cry every-time I have to get dressed up. But it’s still hard! I will probably always have a belly (my sister is a size zero and has belly pudge). I’m not sure if I’m ever going to be able to accept that.

I do hope you find a palce where you are comfortable with your body. For the most part, I am all self-confidence and happy with myself, but there are definitely times when I look back at old photos when I was thinner and just want to be that way again. And breakdowns in fitting rooms? Oh I have been there for sure.

This is so well-written and puts into words what so many of us are struggling with. Good luck finding that balance.

This was fantastically written, and something I’m sure we can all relate to on some level. I’m guilty of imbalance, myself, and it’s the one thing about myself that I wish I could change.

great post! this is the conversation all women have with their bodies.

Yes, yes I agree with Jess, this post is beautifully written and I can really relate to what you are saying. I do this too; a vicious cycle of losing weight in an unhealthy way and then putting it all back on and more in an unhealthy way. I always tell myself that I will start eating like a ‘normal’ person and I will rediscover the weigh I’m supposed to be but anytime I lose weight I get obsessed or anytime I put on weight I get discouraged and eat more.

Arrrrrrrrgh it can be so frustrating! And the media! Oh the media, I blame the media! They certainly don’t help.

I hope you find peace with your body x

What a beautiful post Jamie. Your candor? Is amazing. This is such a prevelant issue for so many of us. You wrote about it so eloquently.

Great, honest post. That takes courage. I’m impressed. I might just very well do one of my own … thanks for taking the lead.

This was truly awesome. I could write a similar letter, and I relate in a way that I think you can only relate when you’ve experienced this. It’s hard. And it’s hard to write about. It takes a lot of guts, and I applaud the hell out of you.

Maybe one day I’ll have the stones for this. I’d love to do it. Today, though, is definitely not that day for me. Bravo to you.

What a great and honest post.

I give this suggestion far and wide, because it’s what has worked for me, but you could consider signing up for a running race and training for it. Having a real fitness-related goal (other than “lose weight” or “tone up”) really worked for me and helps keep me away from either extreme. Just my $0.02!

Beautifully written. And something I can definitely relate to, well the overindulging part anyway. But, its just so hard to do the simple thing. Eat right and exercise. Gah!

Thanks Jamie – your post encouraged me to write my own – hope you don’t mind!

i’ve been meaning to write this! maybe i’ll hop on the wagon.

There is never an easy way out. There will come a time when you realize that you love your body enough to treat it right. You’ll eat the right kinds of things that your body NEEDS to function well. And you’ll learn to allow yourself to indulge when you need it, or deserve it. But indulgence will be different. Instead of the big quantities of your indulgence, you’ll learn that it takes less to satisfy you. And in doing this, you will feel better about yourself. I’ve been at both extremes — eating too much and not eating enough. I’ve finally found my way to a happy medium. But it took some hard work.

xoxo

Congrats to you for putting that out there, I know it takes a lot of courage.
I just wanted to tell you that I can really relate to what you’ve said, and I actually really appreciate you writing it because it is something that’s been weighing on my own mind lately. It is really difficult to get to a happy place with your own body, and as nice as it is to have someone there to tell you it’s perfect, it isn’t as good as feeling that way yourself. All I’ve been trying to do is exercise and eat better and eventually it does start to help, but that doesn’t change the unhappiness when looking in the mirror. So, just so you know, I’m with you as well as many other people it seems.

It is a constant struggle. I need to get back to the weight I was before I entered college. That’s when I was happy with my body and felt comfortable in my own skin. This was an interesting read and good luck to you

You described what so many of us struggle with so perfectly, and I definitely relate to what you’re going through because I’m struggling too. It’s incredible how stereotypes and reading tabloids (and other fashion mags) make us feel self-concious about our own bodies. And I definitely wish it wasn’t this way.

Good luck finding your balance. I’m working on finding mine, too.

Jamie, cathartic – very much so, but more importantly it was needed…sooooo needed. I’ve been struggling for the last couple of months to get back on track with my health. But lately stressors (in particular my mom being sick, and losing our grandfather) have gotten to me, and I have relied much more than I have in years on fast food and empty calories….and now three months and I’ve undone all the good work of my adulthood. Bah……

Once again, thank you for the inspiration….

[...] 4, 2008 · No Comments After writing this post the other day…and after seeing Jamie’s letter to her body, i was inspired and decided to take the plunge and write a letter to my [...]

don’t ever think that writing something on your blog is a cry for attention. write it for you. write it because of what you feel. i think this post was incredible (and totally plan on writing my own since i’ve been struggling with this all lately). But you are fabulous, at least i think so Just find it in yourself to realize that too, that you are fabulous and beautiful inside and out

i could have written this, i feel like i have, a million times over, everyday.

i too am edging towards the medium.

Good luck finding your happy medium. I think so many of us struggle for it, I know I do.

I totally understand where you’re coming from, and often wonder myself when the cycle will end. I am so envious of girls who are happy with their bodies, proud of their bodies, even if they aren’t perfect. I wish I knew how to have that kind of confidence and happiness with myself. I just keep trying to love myself the way I am, and hope that someday I will. I hope you get there someday too!

This was such an honest blog. I hope you find satisfaction and beauty when you look at your body someday soon.

It is always a constant struggle. Even when I think I’m happy with my body there is always something. Good luck with finding that medium.

More important than finding you happy medium, I hope you can find peace and happiness with any type of body you have. )

I think it’s hard for all of us to find a happy medium, but hopefully we’ll find it soon. Good luck!

I have the same convos with my liver.

I like this post. I hope you find your happy medium soon.

I love this! You are so honest and descriptive. I also strive to “find the medium” on a daily basis. On one hand people will say, “you should not have a body image” and on the other you will hear, “You really should watch what you put into your body”. Where is the middle road?

The same people who will ask us out to ice cream will also tell us that we look “heavy” in that dress. Where is the sense in all of this?

I think we should just do as you say and try to be nicer to the body and that is all we can ask of ourselves.

I must say after reading all of these comments from so many beautiful women, it makes me sad, but not so alone.

I think it’s so cool you did this. I feel inspired.

Finding the medium should be everyone’s goal. So healthy! I’m going for that, too.

Hear Hear to this post! Kudos to ou saying what most women feel!

Do you mind if I steal this?

I assure you that skinny men like myself have these kinds of issues as well, cept ours is a little different. We feel expected to have a 6 pack, cut chest, big shoulders and triceps/biceps, etc. This leads to guys using things called steroids, which eventually kills us. I haven’t been stupid enough to use HGH but I’ve been very tempted in the past. Its so incredibly hard to gain weight when your metabolism is so high, but you don’t want to be know as the thin guy. Fortunetly I’ve been able to put on some pounds and I’m now a healthy 6′3″ 190 and in shape. I wouldn’t mind putting on an extra 25 lbs, but my body would have to go into overdrive and I could seriously hurt myself doing it. Not worth it.

Oh Jamie and you are probably the only one who thinks you don’t look good in the mirror. So you have to ask yourself, are you right and is everyone else wrong, or vice versa? I’ll place money on the latter.

I’ve been working on my post for this for a while now. I just can’t seem to get everything I want to say out there. It is almost like you’re showing yourself to the world for the first time. And I’m not so sure that I’m comfortable with the world knowing my insecurities. But I think that writing this post will help me to understand and accept myself.

It’s beautiful. Truly.

Oh Miss Jamie,

I think many, many people can relate to this. First, kudos to you for actually writing this and sharing it with the Internet world.

Breakdowns in dressing rooms aren’t uncommon for me. While I don’t necessarily struggle with weight on a regular basis, I can’t dress myself for shit. I hate being as short as I am because I feel I look retarded in everything I put on. The jeans are either too long or too tight. Retailers forget that 5 foot 1 inch girls can and DO have hips. I hate that the only jeans that fit my length are size zeros and ones. I’d have to cut them to get them over my thighs and hips. Lately though, my good jeans are getting a wee bit tight. I tend to eat my heart ache. No bueno!

Blah I’m rambling! Anyway, I hope you find your balance. I wish I could find the motivation and determination to eat better and work out.

i can really relate to this post. thanks for being brave enough to share it.

Thank you for writing this. You really are lovely.

I can relate. I really can relate.
Dating is wonderful but damn if it doesn’t wreak havoc on a body.

and Project Runway? ZOMG.

It is hard, hey? I hate feeling like a happy medium is so hard to accomplish. And I get mad at the society we live in for making something as a perfect body so hard to achieve. It just isn’t right that we all have such body issues.

wow, i am feeling this post on so many levels. thank you for sharing it.

isn’t it such a great feeling to to write something like that?

Love, love, love this entry. Am yoinking this for my own blog in the near future. Thanks for sharing, Jamie!

What a wonderful idea, to write a letter to your body! I love it!

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