another contest!
- Author: Jamie
- Filed under: contest
Jun 3,2008
A few weeks ago I won my second Pay It Forward contest over at & That’s The Way Life Goes. I got a lovely little photo album, a note pad and a special treat for Miss Edie! So it’s that time again…
This time I’m not going to make it so easy as just commenting to win. No, no, no. I’m going to make you work. Well, not work but make me laugh. I want a joke. Only one joke per commenter though, please. It will make it a lot easier to choose 3, if you all don’t enter 23423 jokes each.
So make me giggle. Winners will be announced Friday. Remember: don’t enter unless you will pay it forward yourself. Prizes maybe a gift card? Or maybe something from my upcoming vacation? Who knows!
Ready. Set. Go!
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36 Responses for "another contest!"
Will the prize be Mickey Mouse ears?
Hmm….a joke…a joke. Okay!
So a blonde gets on a plane. She’s riding coach but decides she’d rather move up to first class. It’s not long before a flight attendant finds her and tells her she can’t sit there. The blonde replies, “I am beautiful, I am blonde, I’m smart, I’m sitting here.”
So the flight attendant gets her supervisor and she tells the blonde that she can’t sit there. The blonde replies, “I am beautiful, I am blonde, I’m smart and I’m sitting here.”
The flight attendant gets the co-pilot and he tells her that she has a coach ticket and therefore, must sit in coach. The blonde replies, “I am beautiful, I am blonde, I am smart and I am sitting here.”
Finally the co-pilot gets the pilot. The pilot’s wife is blonde so he said this will ne no problem. The pilot asks the blonde where she is traveling to. She tells him she is going to Toronto. He whispers something in her ear and she gets up and heads back to coach.
Surprised, the co-pilot and flight attendants asked him, “What did you say to her?” The pilot said, “I told her that first class doesn’t fly to Toronto.”
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Cargo
Cargo Who?
Cargo beep beep!
:) corny but i love it lol
I have two:
Q) What did the scarf say to the hat?
A) You go on ahead and I’ll go around. :)
And of course a blond joke:
A blond was sitting on a bus with her left breast hanging out for all the world to see and she seemingly had no idea.
After several awkward moments shared by her fellow bus riders, an old man approached her and kindly asked her if she was aware that her left breast was exposed.
The blond looked down and cried “DAMNIT! I’ve lost the baby again!”
:)
Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin turns to the other muffin and says, “Man, it’s hot in here!” The other muffin screams “OH MY GOSH IT’S A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!!!”
Heehee.
An old one from when I was little - my FAVORITE joke that I told over and over again:
What do you get when you mix a cat with lemonade?
SOURPUSS!
HAHAHAHAH.
Whats the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
SNOWBALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So..this is a catholic joke, so brace yourself…
Three nuns were sitting around the convent gossiping one day. The first nun turns to the group and says “Listen here ladies…You’ll never guess what I found in Father Ryan’s room when I was cleaning the other day..” The three nuns started giggling and insisted they be told of the secret. The first nun blurted “I found a PLAYBOY magazine!!” They gasped!
The second nun said “Sister, that’s nothing….when I was cleaning Father Ryan’s room, I found a CONDOM!” All three ladies gave the sign of the cross and looked to the heavens.
The First nun asked the second “Well, what did ya do with it?”
The second nun replied “I did what any good lady of the lord would do…I poked holes in it!”
The third nun fainted.
…A little long winded, yes. But I always seem to get a little chuckle from it :-)
I had to choose an accountant joke, because well… I find it funny.
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.”
“Have you tried counting sheep?”
“That’s the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
what kind of bees make milk?
(wait for it, wait for it…here comes the 3rd grade answer…)
boobees! ;)
A pirate with a steering wheel attached to this groin walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Excuse me, but do you realize you have a steering wheel on your crotch?” The pirate replies, “Arrr, it’s driving me nuts!”
What did Sushi A say to Sushi B? …WASA-BI.
Very little kid silly…much funnier when said aloud…:)
Sushi night will never be the same!
Two cows were standing in a field. The first one says, “Have you heard about that mad cow disease?” The second says, “Yeah! It’s a good thing we’re penguins!”
I love bad jokes. :)
what do you call two mexican firefighters?
jose and hose b
my friend just told me that one, so i’m sort of stealing it :)
My brother and his friends wrote A Song About A Minotaur that I think is really funny… you can hear it here…
And today, my sister told me one of my favorite jokes ever here.
Enjoy!
uh I <3 joke contests.
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ”Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?” When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ”God Almighty !” shouted Mary and the teacher said, ”Very good” and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ”Who is our Lord and Savior?” But Mary didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ”Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary and the teacher said, ”Very good,” and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ”What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ”If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!” The Teacher fainted.
Is it bad that I totally didn’t see your request for only one joke per comment? I should have split them up! Those are my two jokes and I’m quite proud of them and usually tell them both back to back :) My apologies again, though I hope they both made you giggle.
Q: How many A.D.D. kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Can I ride your bike?
Q: How do you tell an outgoing software engineer?
A: They look at YOUR shoes instead of their own!
I don’t want to be entered in the contest, but I heard this joke today…
********************************
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, ‘Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’
The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ‘Hell no they ain’t! The oldest one’s 9 and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?’
‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am,’ replied the greeter. ‘I just couldn’t believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”
I’m not terribly good at telling jokes, per se, so I thought I’d chime in with a form of joke I learned from improv comedy. The game is “101″. I’ll use one noun and come up with three jokes on the spot (this is bizarre–I’m typing real time, so I guess it counts as ‘improv’). My noun, according to the Random Word Generator, is “Psychologist”. Here goes:
1. 101 psychologists walk into a bar. The bartender says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve psychologists.” And the psychologists are like “Why not?” So the bartender replies, “Because you’re all a bunch of drunks.” The psychologists nod knowingly and reply, “Yes, it’s true. But we’ve been to rehab and we now only drink in Freudian sips.”
2. 101 psychologists walk into a bar. The bartender says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve psychologists.” The psychologists, appalled, say “And why not?” And the bartender says, “Because every time I tell you how much you owe for your drinks, you ask me how that makes me feel.”
3. 101 psychologists walk into the bar they’ve been frequenting daily for the last year. The bartender sees them and promptly drops the glass he was cleaning. “What’s wrong?” asked one of the psychologists? “Oh, nothing,” the bartender replied, “It’s just that you people are driving me to drinking!”
And there you go. Not all that great, but original. :)
Okay hope you don’t mind blonde jokes and someone sent this to my phone so I had to go to YouTube to find it for you. And… here it is. http://youtube.com/watch?v=wneWLPOdpug (No idea how to do hyperlink in comments.)
Heard this one from a little kid, and it absolutely killed me. You gotta say it out loud to get it:
Two drums and a cymbal fall down a cliff…
Bu-dum-chh.
Mickey Mouse was talking to the divorce attorney. The attorney says, “Mickey, I don’t really think we can get this insanity thing to stick.”
Mickey says, “I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!”
(Do I get extra credit for timeliness?)
This is going to take a lot of consideration, for lo, I worked with kids and know many, MANY jokes.
Here’s my pick:
Q: How do you make a Kleenex dance?
A: Put a little boogie in it!
Hee.
What goes
clip-clop
clip-clop
BANG! BANG!
clip-clop
clip-clop
?
An Amish drive-by shooting.
This is not actually a joke, but it’s guaranteed to make you laugh.
In order for students to enter our early childhood program, we have to screen them using a specific screening tool. At the end of the screening, we are supposed to ask three questions. Here is the question, followed by the actual answer from a three-year-old:
Me: What do you do if you go into a room and it’s dark?
Girl: Lordy, woman! Whatchoo wanna go in there for? You crazy or somethin’?”
Tell me that’s not funny.
I know we’re not supposed to have multiple entries, so I am putting them onto one comment. The first one is all-age appropriate and super punny. The second one is just funny.
A guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office.
“Doc, I think I’m going crazy. One minute, I’m hallucinating that I’m a teepee. The next minutes, I’m a wigwam! Then I’m a teepee again, than a wigwam! What’s wrong with me?”
The psychiatrist thinks for a moment and says “that’s simple. You’re too tense.”
(Say it out loud…)
—
A guy somes home to find his girlfriend packing all her things.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m leaving you! I heard that you are a pedophile!”
“A pedophile?! Oooo…big words for a 9-year-old!”
ok, i’m from texas so this is an aggie joke… but feel free to change to colleges of your choice! i heard this one at ut graduation.
so an aggie and a longhorn are in a class together. they have just taken their final exams and gotten their grades back. the longhorn makes an a-, and the aggie fails! the teacher tells them that they both only missed one question, the same question.
the aggie asks “then how did i fail, and he get an a-??”
and the teacher says “well, on the question the longhorn got wrong, he wrote ‘i don’t know’. on the question you got wrong, you wrote ‘me neither’.”
From the elementary school teacher days…
Why did no one want to be friends with the lobster?
Because he was always acting so shellfish!
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?
Elliphino.
The federal government is sending each and everyone of us a $600 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China . If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs. If we purchase a computer it will go to India . If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras , and Guatemala . If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan. If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan …and none of it will help the American economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes, weed, beer, and tattoos, since these are the only products still produced in the USA . Thank you for your help and please support the U.S.A
One more:
A blonde walks into the local WalMart. She walks up to the appliance counter and says, “I’d like to buy this TV”.
The counter guy says, “Get outta here ya dumb blonde, we don’t sell to your kind!”
She leaves, but determines, “I’m sick of being treated badly just because I’m blonde,” and goes home and dyes her hair jet-black.
The next day, she takes her new jet-black hairstyle to the local WalMart, marches up to the counter and announces, “I’d like to to buy this TV!”
The counter woman shouts, “Get outta here you dumb blonde, we don’t sell to your kind!”
The blonde starts to leave, but turns back and says, “Look at me, I have jet-black hair. All I said was that I want to buy this TV. Why did you call me a dumb blonde?”
The counter woman says, “Because this is a microwave”.
ba-dum-bum.
A jumper cable walks into a bar and the bartender says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything”
That’s all I got.
I’m a huge fan of one-liners:
(so here are three, cuz they are short and sweet … and funny)
- There are two rules for success: 1.) Don’t tell all you know.
- Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
- I like my men like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer.
(And yes, I do think that last one is gross - but oh so funny!)
I made this up myself and felt ridiculously funny. say it out loud.
A fifth grade class is at the zoo and the teacher is telling them all about penguins when one kid in the back yells out: “Teacher-Lady, what’s an Elephant mixed with a Rhinocerous?” and affronted, the teacher snaps, “A-relephant!”
[...] Not all of you unfortunately, but 3 of you! Thanks for entering the contest, everyone! You gave me and my judge a good laugh. Should you need a chuckle to help you get through to the end of the day, go take a little looksee at the entries. [...]
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