Dear Google,

It has been a while since I last plead my case. First I came up with a list of reasons why you should hire me. After that was ignored I came up with a list of possible positions I’d be willing to create if hired. I still haven’t heard back from you though. At first I thought it was me. I spent days reflecting on and rereading my posts.

Maybe it’s me? Is it my ears? Perhaps my amazing sunburnning skills?

I know what it is…it’s my Wii bowling skills. Well if it makes you feel any better, I’m not a pro anymore. I’ve stepped down from that pedestal pretty quickly and moved onto greener grasses.

Okay fine. I used yahoo alright. But it was just one time! It meant nothing to me! I was just trying to….you’re so pretty baby, I’m sorry. Come back okay?

But then I realized no, it wasn’t me. I’m much too awesome. So naturally I blamed the Internet. Something is preventing you there at Google HQ from reading my blog. I realize this happens from time to time. Apparently it’s affecting Comcast, too. When the lovely Jamie asked if I’d round up her week of guest blogs (No pressure there!), enthusiastically I replied with a “Super Fuck Yeah!” (Sorry Mom, but this isn’t my blog and I’m allowed to swear now.) Thinking that Google should definitely be able to read this, I decided to make a second third attempt.

I’ve decided that you need a spokesperson, er a mascot. I am volunteering to be that mascot. Just call me…The Googler. Normal chick with two cats by day, The Googler by night! Jen Lancaster has hopped on board. You better get on before you miss the train to Awesomeville. Did I mention there will be a cape?

So what would The Googler do for you? Let’s say you’re having a party and your little geeky baby doesn’t want a stupid clown. Call on The Googler. Balloon animals? No problem. Unless they pop. Then we have a serious problem because I will be out of there faster than a fat kid in spandex.

I’m also willing to move around the office very stealth like and use my skills to help people Google things. Let’s say someone is, god forbid, using Yahoo. I know…I almost cried, too. Well I’d sneak attack them and change their search engine back to Google before they even know it. Microsoft wants to pay people? That’s no match for my skills! By the end of my tenure people will be like, “What’s Yahoo/Microsoft?” And I’ll shake my head as I say, “Exactly.”

Consider the extra money we could bring in with the appearances. I could become an ordained minister and wed people as The Googler. There could be Googler action figures, mugs, even holiday calendars (Tastefully wrapped in my Googler cape of course). I’m pretty sure this is the direction you need to be going Google.

I’ll sit back and wait for the offers to come pouring in. And don’t think you fooled me by contacting me for a massage therapy job. You know I don’t have enough experience yet and that was a very cruel email! (Send it again in two years and we’ll talk!)

Sincerely,

Jenn a.k.a. The Googler