(I emailed Penelope to see if everything was okay since she deleted her blog suddenly. She asked if she could write a guest post to explain. Here it is.)

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Allow me to take a moment to introduce myself to some of you that don’t know me. My name is Penelope. I used to have a blog called The Rivers of Addiction Flow, however on Tuesday morning I deleted it.

It wasn’t something I wanted to do or that I was happy to do, but in the moment it needed to be done. A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post about how I had just moved to Chicago to be with my boyfriend, WB, but that there was someone back where I moved here from that I had feelings for and that I was struggling to decide what I was going to do.

This past weekend when I went to Indianapolis to visit my sick grandfather, I also made a trip back down to Bloomington (where I used to live) to see my cousin. While I was there I saw this boy and I ended up making a mistake and making out with him.

When I returned to Chicago, WB and I had got into a fight on Monday night about how we want two different things out of life and that we have issues in our relationship. He asked me that night point blank and the next morning if there was someone else and I lied to him and said no. I realize I shouldn’t have lied about it, but I couldn’t find the words to explain that yes I had moved up here to be with him and yes I had feelings for someone else. I felt horrible about the whole thing and I still do.

So when I left for work on Tuesday morning, WB got onto my laptop and found my blog. He read the post and text me that he knew what was going on and that I lied to him. When I arrived at work the first thing I did was delete my blog so he couldn’t read anymore of my now not-so-private thoughts.

When I signed the lease with him, I didn’t have feelings for anyone else. Just him. I just wanted to be with him. But life happens and life can be shitty. I realize it’s not the most convenient time to have these feelings, but I have them. You can’t change the way you feel, life doesn’t work that way.

At this point, I am not sure if WB and I are going to be able to get through this. My feelings for this other person are really a secondary issue because WB and I want two different things.Even if we can get past the my feelings/cheating, I want to move back to Louisville. So I have to ask myself what the point of staying and trying one more time to make it work when in a year we are going to want two different things? I have been trying to make things work for a long time. I have cried, begged and pleaded

I feel like I have spent the past three years of our relationship catering to him and making sure his needs are met. And in the mean time I haven’t been meeting my need and making myself happy. I never wanted to move to Chicago, and WB knew that. But he moved here anyway and as a result I felt like to make the relationship work and give it a real fighting chance that I needed to move up here. I gave up my whole life (close proximity to my friends and family, my job, my comfort) to be with him and all he can see are these other feelings and how I could do that to him.

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, but I will continue to feel that the moral high ground he is standing on is very shaky. It’s like the golden rule or something: you shouldn’t throw stones when you live in a glass house and what goes around comes around.

I thought that my feelings for this person would change when I got to Chicago. I thought that I just had those feelings because I was scared to move to Chicago and that I would get up here and be with WB, that things would be fine. But they aren’t fine and they haven’t been fine for a while. I can’t pretend that I am happy living my life for someone else and always making sure that they are happy. It’s not a fun or healthy way to live my life.

Sadly all my writing is gone. Lost in the vast space of the Internet somewhere. I do plan on starting a new blog again, but it is going to take some time.

It’s so long for a while, but not farewell.