In Las Vegas, there is a lot of skin almost everywhere you go. Go go dancers in corsets, dealers in lingerie, girls in bathtubs with  only rose petals on their nipples (yes, at Tao), scantily clad club goers and I’ll go on to say that most are very attractive.

Really, if four days of that wasn’t enough to make me feel like a ginormous cow, I don’t know what was.

Now I’m not saying if I had a body like that I would walk around next to naked but I do wish I had that kind of confidence.

I want to be comfortable in my own skin.

Funny that being around a bunch of barely dressed women with my boyfriend was what I needed to stop this cycle, isn’t it?

I’m tired of being like this.

I want to be one of those girls that turns heads.

I want my boyfriend to feel like his has the prettiest girl in the room.

And for once, I want to feel like I can agree with him.

It’s time for serious change.

The scale has hit that number.

You know the “at least I’m not ___ lbs yet” number. Don’t get me wrong, I have been more than this but this  is one I was hoping I wouldn’t see again. I don’t plan on letting it get higher though.

I know there are some people who think, “Just shut up, eat better and work out. It’s so easy. Stop complaining”.

Those people have obviously never struggled with their weight before. Those people never felt the need to skip meals. When you do eat, never felt the urge to count each and every calorie you put into your mouth. Then regret each and every one of those calories, even if it was just a piece of fruit. They don’t step on and off the scale throughout the day, flinching if the number goes up an ounce or breathing a sigh of relief if it is down a bit.

It’s not easy for everyone.

Now I’m back at the start. I’ll watch what I eat, find time to work out and hope I don’t work myself up into a giant mess again this time.

There are people size 2-22, men and women, young and old who have issues with food and dieting. Some people are lucky to never have body image issues but I’m not one of them.

If you’re lucky enough to be one of those people, don’t judge.

You don’t know what it’s like unless you have been there yourself.

I’ve been pretty much maintaining the same weight, give or take a few pounds, since December when I went to Vegas. While the number was far from ideal, I wasn’t really mad at it. I don’t like it and still think it is too high, but it could have been worse. The past two weeks, I have really been indulging myself and telling myself it was okay because my birthday was coming up. Today I got on the scale and saw a number I was definitely not okay with, only a few pounds up but still, not good.

Starting today, I’m now back in lose weight mode. I have a trip to Florida in June and I would like to look acceptable in a swimsuit. So I’m back to watching my intake, daily weigh ins and elliptical every day I can fit it in. Also, now that the weather is actually starting to feel like spring and getting warmer, Edie and I will be taking a long walk once a day. I’m cutting out pop (soda, for your weird people!) completely and drinking tons of water. More protein, less carbs. All the little things like that will make a big difference.

So time to get in to shape. No bullshit. No excuses. Let’s do this - the right way.

I decided to take part in BlogHer’s Letter to My Body initiative. This most definitely isn’t a cry for attention. Just honesty.

Dear Body,

We’ve been through some rough times, you and me. I don’t treat you as well as I should. I know this. It’s such a struggle for me to do what’s right when it comes to you. No one else really understands. They all just think it’s so simple. Unhappy with your body? Slave away in the gym, eat all the right things, do all the right exercises and everything will be perfect. You’ll get that beach body in no time!

It’s not that easy.

Five years ago, I ran you to the ground. I did hours on the elliptical. I didn’t eat as much as I should have. It showed. 20ish pounds down in a matter of months. Small thighs, bony chest, hipbones that could cut glass, but was I really even happy with that? My mother was scared. I was depressed. It was a really rough time.Then I met someone who loved me so much, who thought I was perfect no matter what. It was okay to eat now. To go out to restaurants again. To enjoy food. I got comfortable. Today I am still lucky enough to still be with that someone who makes me so happy and still says I am perfect.

But you, body, no longer make me comfortable. He tells me I am beautiful, but I don’t see that. The mirror and I are not friends. I’ve put back on that weight lost, plus much more. I dread going shopping, it almost always ends with me in near tears. Break downs in fitting rooms are my specialty, it seems. Shoes and bags? Those are my favorite. Why? It doesn’t matter how much you weigh, they will always look good.

You see, for the past few years it’s been a continual power struggle between us. There’s never a medium with me. It’s always one extreme or the other. This is why I am stuck where I am today. Eat eat eat or lose lose lose? I can fluctuate 10 pounds in 2 weeks. Lose it quick, eat and gain it all back, only to do it over 2 weeks later. It’s a never ending cycle.

I don’t find bones appealing, so that is not the look I am going for. I just want to be happy with you again.

So body, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all the shit I put you through. I’m sorry for depriving you. I’m sorry for overindulging you.

I’m working my way to finding that medium.

I hope I find it soon.

- J