Tents? Sleeping bags? Icky bugs? Cooking food over the fire? Being handed a roll of toilet paper and pointed to the woods? Jamie doesn’t fuck with that.

Pop up campers. People who come by and light the fire for you. Swimming pools. Actual bathrooms.  Yes yes yes and yes. Jamie likes. Also, know as sissy camping.

Well not so much anymore. I haven’t been “camping” in ages. When I was younger we would pack up our little Voyager mini van and pop up camper and hit the road. We were off! Off to Chesterton, Indiana? I know, I know, camping in Indiana? There was a campground called Sand Creek, that my family would go to all the time when we were younger

We’d drive up, stop in the store/office and get our little plot of camping space and get settled in. Of course, after we got the camper set up, we’d make a run to the nearest grocery store to stock up on food. Food that we would cook on our little stove. Inside our camper. I’d get some marshmallows and some chocolate bars to get the real feeling that I’m camping. I was totally justifying my fake camping, even at age 7 by making s’mores on the fire, even though someone from the campground would come by and light our fire at night.

Whatever, I’m camping, give me my s’mores!

Also, in the wilderness that was our campground, there was a game room with vending machines and PACMAN, a store full stocked with anything you might need while “camping”. There was a swimming pool, naturally. Attached to the pool were showers and bathrooms. Don’t forget about mini golf, duh. What would camping be without mini golf? NOTHING. Then of course, if we were feeling extra rugged that night, a hayride. A tractor with a trailer filled with bales of hay for you to sit on and drive through the campground, taking in all the sights.

I mean, I guess there were people that went into the woods to do “real” camping but how real is it if you have all the aforementioned things at your disposal? So I guess that means there are three kinds of camping - real camping, sissy camping and then “real” sissy camping. In “real” sissy camping, all you get is a tent and a sleeping bag but it’s still in the camp ground with the rest of us sissys.

Fake vacations and sissy camping.

That’s just how we rolled here at the House of Lovely.

Yesterday was suppose to be divorce day for my parents. My father was all ready to sign and be done with my mother but then she turned around and decided she wasn’t taking enough. She needed more money - a bigger cut of the house, more pension than she was already getting and now some of his deferred comp. Just when we thought everything was good, she throws a big curve ball and makes everything worse. Things were starting to settle down and we were all being cordial. Even me. I know, me talking to my mother some is a big step considering I hadn’t spoke to her since January.

Then she goes and does this. It just pisses me off.

So it seems we are back at the drawing board. I really wish this was done and over.  She doesn’t realize what she is doing to the rest of us. I’m the oldest. I feel like I should be taking care of my brother and sister. My brother is dealing horribly with all this and no one can give him the answers he wants because we don’t know what my mother is planning next. My sister is packing up and moving to Pittsburgh for school in a few weeks and she has to leave with all this still going on. I being the big sister, who feels like she is suppose to take care of everyone, can do nothing to fix this. The stress makes me feel like I’m being eaten alive.

Feeling powerless is one of the worst things ever.

I’ve refrained from talking about current parental situation because I get so worked up when I talk about it, it just leaves me raging. After this past weekend, I think it’s time to let a little more out and vent. I have barely spoke more than a few sentences to my mother since she announced that she wants a divorce at the end of December. I’m perfectly fine with that too. I feel like she is being childish, selfish and incredibly greedy, as does the rest of my family. They will speak to her, but I can’t because if I do, it just won’t be pretty and I would end up exploding in a fit of anger. Seriously, I would probably combust.

I basically go out of my way to avoid her. It’s hard when you live in the same house but I do my best. Saturday I came home with ice cream for my brother and dad and she asks where her’s is. I tell I didn’t get her any and walk downstairs. She comes bursting downstairs with a stupid fucking Joker-looking smile on her face, trying to get me riled up and start a fight with me. Now really, I don’t speak to you at all, why would I bring you ice cream? Don’t come downstairs and provoke me. Of course, you can probably see the steam coming out of my ears but I hold back. I’m really not trying to make this harder on my father. She tells me I have an attitude and I need to stop before I do something I am going to regret. SERIOUSLY.

Okay, I am not regretting anything and won’t because I am not the one acting like a child. I have no intentions of having anything to do with her until she realizes what she is doing and how she has been acting. Mid-life crisis or not, this does not give you the right to abandon your family. She waited until all of us were over 18 so she can pack up and get the hell out and not worry about custody or child support. But I guess what she didn’t realize is that, if you wait until your children are adults they can come to their own conclusions about you for themselves. Maybe you should have done this 10 years ago when you realized you weren’t in love instead of waiting 10 years to drop this bomb out of nowhere. Way to keep up this charade. Now your children don’t want anything to do with you, you wasted how many years of your husbands life and all you care about is money. It seems like this was an A+ decision. Well, pack your bags because we all have had enough of your bullshit.

Then my father is dating. The divorce papers aren’t even signed yet and he’s all over the internet looking for dates. We are barely use to the idea of a divorce and now this. Of course, he doesn’t keep it to himself, but feels the urge to tell us about these women. I don’t care. Honestly, I really don’t. I don’t want to know who you are seeing, what they do for a living, how old they are or anything. I DON’T FUCKING CARE.

It feels like every few days, something new happens and I just am on the verge of having a major meltdown. I’m stressed out. I can’t deal with my own shit and theirs too. If I had just had my life together out of high school and did college the 4 year way, I would be on my own and have a job already. I wouldn’t be working as a nanny, still living at home and waiting for the fall school year to start.

It’s just so frustrating. I’m kind of lost right now.

I can’t wait until my vacation mid June, I really really deserve it.

When I was younger my family would occasionally go on vacations- more like “vacation”. I was probably about 7 or 8 years old, still young enough not to know we weren’t really going on vacation. My mother was never a fan of the Mouse so automatically that was ruled out. My dad doesn’t like to fly because of his anxiety. When you live in the Midwest, have 3 children and don’t like to fly, vacations are kind of hard to do. Of course, we hit up The Dells every now and then and that was always fun. We’d also go camping, but that is another entry in itself. Trust me.

My parents favorite thing to do was pack up the car for a weekend and drive to some random place, like LaPorte, IN and we’d shack up for the weekend at a Holiday Inn. Ta da! Vacation! Of course at 7 years old, I thought this was the coolest thing ever. We’d get to hang out in a hotel room! Room service! Gift shop! Game room?! No way! And OMG a pool!

I remember wandering in the hotel gift shop thinking everything was so amazing. Rubber stamp sets? I needed them! I never got my rubber stamp set. The other thing I remember, was this little pewter treasure chest that had a necklace inside. I needed that necklace so bad. It was my souvenir. You would think after taking me to hotel in boofoo Indiana and telling me it’s vacation, I’d at least get some rubber stamps out of the deal!

After swimming, eating free continental breakfast and playing pinball to my little heart’s content we’d head home. Back to south Chicago. I know better now, but then my fake vacations were pretty cool.

I finally got to Disney World at 22 years old and again the year after, I’ll be making another trip there in June. It really is my favorite place in the world. I have San Francisco in July for BlogHer and then hopefully rounding out the year with another trip to Vegas in the fall.

What vacations do you have planned for the year? Fake or real.

Will you bring me some rubber stamps as a souvenir?

I don’t think I have ever met a more selfish person in my entire life. No, really. I think my mother takes the cake.

First, you come out of nowhere and tell my dad you want a divorce, days after Christmas. You acted like everything is fine and perfectly normal, didn’t say anything about it to anyone else and got mad at my dad for telling us. I guess, you must have been trying to keep this divorce a big secret. Maybe wait until the house is up for sale to tell your kids?

You have had this all planned out in your head and the rest of you family is nowhere in that plan.  You leak out little bits of information here and there about your big plan, but fail to include the person who should be included in this, my dad. You say you stayed for us for years, but shouldn’t staying together for the kids be a mutual thing? Obviously, my dad had no clue about this. You two were talking about retirement together not too long ago.

We have a house with no mortgage, but you are making us sell it. You need to get YOUR money. Even though none of the kids want to stay with you and could have a perfectly good house to live in. Why can’t you just move out? Nope, gotta get that cash.

You weave this web of lies. You change you story according to how others react.  “Jamie’s dad..get out”. I ask, “where is my dad going to go?!” You say you never asked him to leave and would never do that. That’s only one of the many things you’ve said, then changed your story because people didn’t react well.

In January, you told me you were going to move out and get an apartment. I’m pretty sure it is almost April and unfortunately, you are still here. My dad is living in the basement. I really doubt that will change until you get your money. Luckily, the housing market is awesome, so we should sell the house quick. Hah.

My brother is the only one talking to you and even he thinks you’re insane. I haven’t spoken to you since you dropped this news. Every new thing you say or do, makes me want to talk to you even less. You would think it would bother you that one of your children doesn’t speak to you, but nope. It’s all about you. What children?

Of course, you are awesome with the timing. Last time, it was Christmas. This time? My birthday. No celebrating Jamie’s birthday because now everyone’s too broke. Damn those lawyer fees.

Oh, here’s a new piece of information you leaked out, but told my brother not to tell anyone — two weeks ago you had some secret surgery to remove a mass from your leg. Who has surgery and doesn’t tell their family? SERIOUSLY.

You’re the most selfish person I have ever known. You’re pushing your children farther and father away and don’t even care. I hope you’re fucking happy, because you have made everyone else miserable.

I hope writing this will help me let some of my anger go. Right now, I’d be perfectly content if I never spoke to you again, but no child should say that about their mother. Maybe one day when you realize how you have been this whole time, we can work on building a relationship again, but for now, I really want nothing to do with you.